city bench
i was sitting on ikea’s bench, enjoying the autumn breeze in the city centre. looking up in the sky i saw the reflection of lights from the grey clouds. and the walk in this furniture place brought me back to this blog… hello words!
the lost fire
這陣子對生活很多東西都沒有興趣. 新的舊的如是. 生活迫人還是我太軟弱
沒有情緒的波動, 就我而言是好還是壞
今天我活得快樂, 但一點都不自在
it’s a month
writing in facebook is another experience. you know how explosive the words will be, how careful i am in choosing the right phrase and structure the post in an appropriate manner. the language, words and emotion, all well controlled.
come back to my wordpress. it took me a month to soak, not sure if i have let it go. the world told me life goes on. i am experiencing something that nobody else in the world has gone through. perhaps making myself unique can help me feel better, imagine myself undergoing hardship and thus grow. who can ever imagine all the things happened together last month. i cannot properly organize all pieces of memory together. they are so scattered, while some shall be forgotten.
i would love to increase my blogging frequency. so i know the world is running with me and i could say goodbye to the me yesterday. i am never the kind of person optimistic about the future, i love lingering the past, keep the memories and reflect it again and again. but this is not the moment to go back and pick up the thought, i guess. flow and let it be.
life here has been both interesting and boring. the more time passed, the more i am sure that happiness is not everything. everyone wants to be happy. but is happiness after all that important? i doubt. i would love to feel contented after period of hardships. this is is what i am believing now. i would not say my exchange experience is great, fascinating or enjoyable. i would not exaggerate it as something so pleasant that one should not miss. what’s worth treasuring is the experience itself but not the happiness it brings. the vivid and challenges would definitely be something cannot be found if one stays in Hong Kong.
three months ahead. treasure.
pause, a second
worst month, in terms of blogging frequency. though i guess all know what i m working on already, everyday, the same group people, same sound, different fun.
the orchestra
usually i cant express what i m thinking under stress and hectic life, that’s why i cant even write a little post. not sure if i will say the wrong thing so better shut up, as usual. the following are points to note regarding the orchestra, what i have learnt at least, or, rethink.
money; classes; musicians; men; emotion; respect; business, management; efficiency; passion; commitment; responsibility; rewards; even, future
everybody asks me why i am working here, why i found the orchestra, why i do something for a group of people technically do not relate to me, then all the question why i am studying law and doing art admin, why i m working for somebody, why i go to all rehearsals, why, all whys
some people, or most of the people, look for reason for doing something, yes, probably you are right. since we all need a clear goal for ultimate achievement, to find the most effective and efficient way to the road of success. though, a big group of people do not care about the aim and concept behind and just work, this is another way of living.
but just this time, i cant give you a proper explanation for so many things i did. all the worries people told me, i wanna say i thought all over, yet i just choose to ignore this time. because, i believe we have to observe, and wait. then plan (maybe)
why cant we sometimes just let the whole thing flow itself? i do not feel like i m very optimistic. i m never the one, right?
again, to declare, i m a super rational and practical person.
i think this is the best way to get what we want, wait. don ask for a reason, since the reasons would come out themselves. i now know the reasons, and some who thought they knew the reasons lost. i am not sure what i am having is faith, i do not fancy this word coz it just doesn’t fit in my style. i only have the instinct that i m right, or at least, wont be very wrong. and i just make things happen and it goes on pretty well.
and the reasons have arrived
(… to be con’t)
bygone – passion
the fire is burning, yet in the memory and in the past. it would never die but it’s not at present.
this is surprising, i am not sure why the whole bunch of things can be left behind so easily, i thought there would be tears, i thought i would wanna die being stuck in another environment. but it just didnt happen.
my beloved hall
the ending is sad but rational. straightly speaking i wasnt living a normal life now so i cant judge actually how happy my life is at home. the most annoying thing would be forcing to sleep early. however i think i shldnt stay up late anymore cox i m getting old. everything is taken care, why not?
the happiness, on the other hand, could not be resumed anyway. people are different, and some are gone. it was asked if i could build up happiness for others but i am not as powerful as you thought. i m pretty selfish, especially for this aspect, and simply i want the best to be zipped and hide it up. and some ask me ever i regretted living in hall and a definite no i said. i love my hallmates, especially those i mixed with. guys are insane, crazy annoying but fun, and caring. the last drinking night with morning tea is fab. exactly what i was looking for last month. luckily they are occupying a room there so i will get back and make it out again.
it’s strange, cox my passion for the place is just slightly lower than the exhibition, cox i get way more closer to people here. yet it simply vanishes. exhibition tore me apart, and it’s a sharp cut here.
and i love it
i love the way it ends, itself. not wasting my tears and emotion to think how i show cut off from it. so much struggling before. rational huh? yea my 2nd or 3rd post here? i m a freak of such. i m not disappointed anymore cox i have departed. it freezes like that, in the perfect shape.
however, i m gonna do the last wrong thing next sunday and monday. sad.
lava
很努力, 火燒如熔岩依附在石頭上.
渴望令流過的地方都窒息
慢了
到某一點 力消失了
停在那一點 毫米都不能前往
冷卻
紅色便成灰
一天你再不知道那曾如火般流動
成了石頭
老了嗎
第一次覺得, 我不再屬於這個地方
短短的一句, 引來了不少電話和短訊的問候. 有人問我屬於過哪裡, 回答這個問題要有一點勇氣, 因為我不想把這個答案說出來.
舍堂組成了我第一個學位, 三年生活的一大部份. 特別是第二年和第三年, 和兩年宿生會都十分熟絡, 越來越老友的房友, 五六樓的樂趣, 一個個好朋友, 辯論, 兩年的組仔女… 根本不能盡錄. 這裡給了我數之不盡的快樂. 身邊的朋友都知道舍堂對我而言多重要. 今天回想以往的搏盡, 所謂辛苦, 此時此刻已經不算甚麼. 真的不能找回那時的痛苦感. 很土氣的說, 只剩下一個個快樂回憶, 共同欣賞成果的滋味. 即使我曾經失望過, 我們有過不滿 – 這些我都記得- 但我一直都充滿希望, 相信努力和溝通是可以改善現狀. 而在很多事情上我都覺得是成功了.
但也許, 三年的一代完結了. 昨天回去, 最令我感到熟識的, 是楊生.
走進多用途活動室, 裡面的人我每一個都認識. 但沒有一個理會我 ( 我太不受歡迎?! ) 一堆一堆的分開, 宿生會一邊, 籌委一邊, 一年級生一邊, 我一個. 自以為盡責回去幫手, 得來的是一個個陌生的面孔和冷漠的眼神. 也許他們無心, 但我看在眼內實在難受. 只是開心說了一點無聊話便被指好仙, 可能大家誤會了大家, 但後來我便學會了只服從指令, 大概他們也是想這樣子吧.
我沒有找到一個好好的理由去解釋這個奇怪的現象, 不敢一下說是某些人的錯或不是. 因此我只能無奈的說一聲: 我老了.
我好像不認識去年的組仔女了. 如果跟他們都走遠了… 可能代溝就是這樣. 這裡又是人生一個循環, 對這個地方而言, 我就是一個要被淘汰的老人.
july hi
thanks to those who still stop by and read this empty blog. such a long time i havent stayed for more than three hours in front of the computer for no particular reason. i have been working everyday recently. days and nights that you wont expect anyone do in their internships. so because of that i have a reason to open the notebook and do whatsoever. even i am on facebook, that’s for the promotion of the festival. i know it’s hard, and the world is thinking i am crazy. and i admit i am insane.
june simply flies with a week’s lost in shanghai and work. still feel sorry about the trip as it didnt appear like a vacation afterall. perhaps my life doesn’t yet deserve a vacation, as i have told my friend today. i was employed to work for this and that, with no monetary reward at all. i started to rethink a lot in the last month because i feel strongly towards the fact that i am indeed not rich at all. not me, but my family. and i am having “fun” with my life in the current stage. people are blaming the teenagers nowadays are spoiled by their families, well, though i look capable, am i being spoiled as well when i am spending my time like this now?so i am just the same as them.
no answer after so much thoughts, as usual.
people said i m good cox i know what i am doing. i m so indulged in the company i am working in, into documentaries and into the people there. however i have no reason for that. and i am able to justify whatever i do here because i have so many reasons for not doing other things. the fes is ending in 3 days. and the time i have been “sorta” enjoying will come to an end. will i be trapped at the same place when i was two weeks ago? i don even wanna think about it.
so july, hi
there are indeed so many things to do in my list but i choose to close my eyes. i don’t even know if i need a rest or i should keep myself busy cox my mind is working even i am having a vacation physically. sleeping made me feel guilty, playing can make me feel shit.
i m sick, mentally ill.
so i m very much enjoying twilight tonight because it led me to fantasy of romance. a good thing to become a vampire, or werewolf whatsoever, so i can jump out of the window and run into a world with silence and freedom.
after shanghai
上海回來後, 她變得奇怪. 腦袋正努力忘記那邊的一切, 人海, 道路名稱, 地鐵線路, 文化和失望的感覺.
每天很多的睡眠, 但她很累, 脾氣不好, 還有數之不盡的奇怪想法.
她只想躲在村上春樹的世界裡, 睡覺前她抱著1Q84, 起來也是1Q84.
和兩位主角一樣, 她不斷問自己這是她確實存在的世界嗎? 身邊很多人和事都忽然改變了, 工作都是機械式的完成, 沒有情感的起只有落. 幻想世界只剩下自己會如何. 灰暗的用密雲包著身體.
如果她改變不了世界, 何妨不自私一點令身邊的人活得更快樂?
soak and let go 